But the world has changed- all these financial crises are, in part, due to a definition of success as outdated as The Bangles themselves. The ideal of working 30-plus years for a single company, building your 401k to retire at 65 with a nest-egg, has failed us as Americans. Big companies have taken our pensions (Enron) and our years (Boeing). In fact, the old Boeing retiree data shows that for every year one works beyond age 55, one loses, on average, 2 years of life span. Yikes, people.

So how do we combat these ideologies in a GM- and Reagan- postmortem world? We live our dreams, now. In our 20s, 30s, 40s. No more lay-offs or mandatory Saturdays, undefined by the things we have. We, as a generation, can live simply & happily doing what we love, every day. You may take a bit of a pay-cut, but consider how much you’d get back from your tax return if you kept receipts for selling-out.

So you may never go 0-60 in your new vette, but luckily you live in Wichita, where, frankly, a vintage Schwinn will get you farther. It’s easy to make things happen here- whether that be a craft, a skill, or an event. Unlike L.A. or Nashville, artists and musicians have so many receptive venues in Wichita to showcase themselves, without a cutthroat sense of competition. Housing is cheap, business spaces are affordable, and generally people understand the importance of shopping locally. And because of those of us who are going to be here a while, there’s a great network of support for anyone with the courage to follow their dreams.

I pose the question then, what’s your dream job? What do you love doing, and would probably do for free anyway? And finally, what are you waiting for? This is the New American Dream. I look forward to reading your postings.

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Now, I’m no expert, but I have helpful advice for people in the job market.  My number one piece of advice for job seekers:  Don’t be a dumbass. That simple.  Yeah, I know it’s hard for some of you.  Even impossible for a few.  But if you want a job, you should work really, really, REALLY hard at not being a dumbass.  It also helps if you are not any other type of ass (i.e. jackass, smartass, you get the picture).

To not be a dumbass often involves what is evidently uncommon sense. For years, people have mistakenly referred to this as “common sense,” but I contest the commonality of this sense.  I, for example, would apply for a job and prepare for an interview by creating an up-to-date and edited résumé, researching the job, dressing nicely, being early, and acting sweet as sugar to every person I meet at the prospective job site.  This, to me, seems like it would be common sense. But, oh my, the empirical evidence points in other directions.  For those of you who are not blessed with uncommon sense, let me demonstrate how you can take steps towards not being a dumbass by examining some basic job searching essentials and strategies.

Your momma may have told you it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but that may have just been her nice way of calling you ugly.  The “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” policy is out the window when you’re job seeking. The first impression counts.  And the very first impression happens before you even walk in the door for an interview. Your résumé needs to be up-to-date and tidy and applications should be legible, with your writing more closely resembling the English language than chicken scratch.  (Advice: If nothing else, RUN A FREAKIN’ SPELL-CHECK! If you really want to up your game and you have already identified yourself as a dumbass- and I’m proud of you for not living a life of denial- have somebody who is not a dumbass assist you in making or editing your résumé.)

A résumé is your opportunity to get your foot in the door. It’s not simply presenting your work history.  You are going to supply that on your application. (And YES, you DO have to fill out their application, even if you gave them a résumé.) Your résumé is where you show your skills and achievements that make you a desirable employee. This is not a time to be modest or shy. Do not sell yourself short. You are competing for this position. You have to show what makes you the best candidate for this position. I don’t care if you were homecoming king. Are you trying to tell me you peaked in high school? If you won a drafting competition in 1974 and haven’t done anything with drafting since, it’s not relevant. However, if you designed and implemented a system that increased revenue and decreased costs at your last job, employers want to know about that. If you saw a need for a comprehensive training program and headed a team to create one, potential employers will see you as a catch. These things need to be shown.  Achievements and changes you implemented are important to highlight. But (dumbasses, pay close attention here) DO NOT lie. It will catch up to you.

If you’ve been successful at creating a résumé that demonstrates you are not a dumbass, potential employers will want to contact you.  Don’t screw up here.  Please, tell me you didn’t screw up here.  If your email address is hotsexypornstarmom69XXX@hotforyou.com, for the love of god do not put that on your résumé.  Whatever you do on your own time is your business, but that is not very, ummm…how should I put this for you dumbasses…professional!  Create an email account strictly for job searching if you have an email address that is not appropriate.  Be careful.  Some things you think are cute or unique may turn a potential employer off.  4littleprincessesmom@proudparent.com may be cute, but it may leave employers wondering if you’ll be able to balance your family and professional life. Worldtraveler@getmetheheckouttahere.com may make employers wonder if you’re committed to sticking around to help their company grow.  Just keep it professional.  Don’t give any reason to disqualify yourself before you’ve even landed an interview.

Employers are likely to call.  Check your voicemail message.  When they call your phone, potential employers do not want to hear music that could be played in the background of a Maury paternity test scene.  That baby may not look like you, but your next boss doesn’t need to know about that. They also don’t care to know that if you didn’t answer, you’re probably “watching TV or drinking at the bar with your buddies.”  Keep it simple. “Hello, you’ve reached [insert your name, dumbass].  I’m not available right now.  Please leave a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible.”  Yeah, that’s it.  No glitz or glam.  Just get to the point.  These people don’t have all day, and they likely don’t care much about why you didn’t answer the phone.

When you put something on the internet, it is out there.  So, yes, in my future I may have to justify calling people dumbasses constantly.  But what I want to tell dumbasses here is in regards to social networking sites.  Set them to private or clean them up.  Your potential employer may be looking on these and may be making personality judgments about you based on these sites.  If your profile photo is of you doing a keg stand or in a sexy nurse Halloween costume, you’re not exactly putting out a professional image.  If your “About Me” says something like “You’ll find me every Tuesday night getting drunk off my ass and dancing on a bar at my favorite hangout,” that employer doesn’t think you’re going to be able to give 100 percent on Wednesday mornings.  Make sure content is appropriate for potential employers or set limits on who can see your content.

Once you’ve landed an interview, you actually have to worry about real-life you. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do not roll out of bed and go looking for jobs in your pajamas. People do judge you based on your appearance. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to take yourself seriously. Comb your hair. For God’s sake, brush your teeth. What you wear is important. You should dress appropriately for your interview. In most cases, this means dressing better than you would day to day in that position. When in doubt, overdressing is better than underdressing. You may be able to pull off jeans and a polo for a warehouse or labor job interview, but most of the time you’re going to have to pull out the nice slacks, collared shirts, skirts, and blouses, and maybe even an iron. This is the potential employer’s first impression of you in person. Put your best foot forward.

Dumbasses, a job is not likely to fall into your lap.  You’ve got to do the legwork.  That means you should use all resources you have at your disposal.  Networking is a great way to get a job and get job leads.  Make sure you’re asking your friends and family about opportunities they know about.  Search different Internet sites.  Different employers post to different sites.  Make sure you’re exploring as many options as possible.  Take the highlighter to the job postings in the Sunday paper.  Get out and look for the “help wanted” signs.  Stop by places you’re interested in working at and talk to somebody about employment opportunities, drop off your résumé, and fill out an application.  Open the phonebook and find the businesses in your career field.  Mail in a cover letter and your résumé.  Not all job openings are posted.  Get your name out there.

Hopefully, you are not a dumbass.  Hopefully, you’re looking at these tips thinking, “Well, I thought that was common sense.”  Uncommon sense, my friend.  Happy job hunting.

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Starting a new job can elicit a mix of powerful emotions: from pants-crapping excitement to pants-wetting terror. Sure, it’s intimidating. You won’t be doing exactly what you were doing in the same way you were doing it with the people your were doing it. That’s a lot of change to process – and fast.

So, rather than being overwhelmed by your new surroundings, take a gander at these tips that will ensure your transition is as smooth as Ex-Lax.

1. Be prepared for anything. You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight and you don’t bring a gun to your first day of work. Take whatever time you have prior to actually starting to read up on your new position, your new employer and your new industry. Go through a mental checklist of what a day at your new job may entail. I like to test drive my route to work during the times I’d be commuting to get a feel for how traffic flows. This may seem like overkill, but it’ll save you the embarrassment of explaining to your new boss why you’re late. Oh, and it may be a good idea to figure out what you’re going to wear for the first week. From there, you can wash and dry clean as needed. Once you’ve established a reputation as being the smelly person in the office, it tends to linger. Like your stench. Seriously, hit the showers.
2. Put on a happy face. No hissing, cursing or spitting at new colleagues. Take a cue from a motivational poster: It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. While an ear-to-ear grin may make you come off looking more phlegmatic than charismatic, a generally pleasant demeanor will help you seem more approachable. Even if you aren’t terribly excited about your new position, don’t let The Man know. Show enthusiasm for your new job and surroundings.  Be attentive. And try to play nice with the other kids. You can gradually add the hissing, cursing and spitting later.
3. Get to know your new colleagues. You’re thrown into a sink-or-swim environment. You need to find out who will help you clip along and who will drag you down. Whether you like it or not, this involves getting to know your coworkers. It’s important to know who does what and associate a face with a task. This may not go over so well in a proctologist’s office, but under normal circumstances, it’s just good policy. Also, “Hey! You with the hair…” quickly wears out its welcome. So take the initiative to learn people’s names. Another benefit with this “getting to know people” thing is that you may just make a new friend. And that’ll make break time around the water cooler that much more interesting. Or going out for after-hours libations. Or between-hours libations. Wait, strike that last one.
4. Pay attention to what you’re doing. It’s safe to say that learning your new job is pretty important. After all, that’s kind of the reason you’re there. So find out what your new boss expects of you. And how to meet those expectations. Don’t just learn how to do your job, learn how to do it well. Also, take note on how projects move around the office. Who you get assignments from. Who you give assignments to. It’s a sad fact that many offices do things because that’s the way they’ve always been done. But sometimes this isn’t the most efficient or effective course of action. As an outsider, you’re in a good position to catch these inefficiencies and earn a hearty head pat from the higher-ups.
5. Remember yourself. If you want to bring your A-game, you need to take care of yourself. Don’t let stress and nerves sabotage your health. Eat right. Exercise. Sleep. And take time for yourself. At the end of the day, it’s just a job. And no job is worth sacrificing your health or integrity.

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Although I’m working now, things would be a lot rougher had unemployment benefits not been available. There was some swallowing of pride and plenty of frustration, but those few weeks helped keep me afloat while I searched for a job. After all, that’s what it’s there for – to help you survive in the interim.

However, like most government-related operations, there’s tons of red tape to go through before you ever see a penny. It’s a pain-in-the-ass, but it sure beats selling plasma or turning tricks. So here’s a little guide for navigating your the unemployment process.

1. Check your eligibility. Assuming you have Internet access – and I am, since you are reading this – go to the Kansas Department of Labor’s website to make sure you’re eligible to receive benefits. Skim this. Because, ultimately, the Department of Labor decides whether or not you receive benefits. I gave myself a migraine trying to determine whether or not I qualified. Then I had a stiff drink, said “Screw it,” and went on to the next step.
2. Apply for unemployment. You can do this in your underwear on the KDOL website. You may want to keep your pants on, though. Breaking the no-pants habit once you do find a job can be kind of difficult. At any rate, the online application will ask you a bunch of questions about your situation – including reason for discharge and earnings. Answer these to the best of your ability, because you’re not even close to done yet.
3. Wait. Eventually, you will receive a letter stating that your unemployment application was received. In the mean time, look for a job. Or build a pillow fortress. Or macrame a unitard. Whatever you choose, make sure it’ll take you two to four weeks. When you get your letter, it’ll include a date for your unemployment interview and request that you submit a separation statement. Don’t miss the interview and don’t delay sending in your statement.
4. Participate in your unemployment interview. A representative from the Kansas Department of Labor will contact you on the assigned date to gather any additional information needed to determine your claim. The rep I spoke with was very kind and very rushed. Don’t waste their time and they won’t waste yours.
5. Wait. There’s kind of a pattern here, in case you didn’t notice. You’ll be waiting 5-10 pints of ice cream — err, days.
6. Receive your Unemployment Insurance Determination Letter. It’s here! It’s finally here! It’ll tell you if you qualify for benefits, how much you will receive and when you can start claiming your benefits. You receive benefits from the day you qualify not the day you’re no longer employed. If, for some reason, your claim is denied, you can file an appeal. Which, by the pattern established, means more waiting.
7. File your weekly claim. This isn’t automatic. You have to do it yourself. And you may be asked to provide proof that you’re actively looking for a new job while receiving benefits. So keep all your documents and emails together. To help your job search, the Kansas Department of Labor has set up KansasWorks.org.

Of course, if you like turning tricks and selling plasma, disregard this whole thing.

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As unemployment rates rise and the number of available jobs dwindle, I think we can all give a collective middle finger to the US economy for the doom and gloom of 2009. Unfortunately, the outlook for 2010 isn’t much brighter. But before you give up hope completely and move back in with mom and dad, make sure you’ve fully exhausted your options. Here’s a list of 10 tips to re-energize your job search:

1. If you’ve already scoured Monster and CareerBuilder and maybe even picked up an actual (gasp!) newspaper and checked out the classifieds, you’re probably scratching your head wondering if these are the ONLY sources for Wichita jobs. Guess what – they’re not. Add sites like MyHuey, NationJob, Kansas Job Link, Craigslist and, for government jobs, HRePartners to your daily job searching repertoire.
2. Ask your friends. Sometimes a simple email or phone call can turn into a new gig or at least an interview. The bottom line is that it never hurts to ask.
3. Are you on Facebook or Twitter or, dare I say, MySpace? This is the perfect time to tap into your personal network. You’d be surprised how quickly word travels that you’re in the market for a new job and even more surprised by how quickly people are willing to help.
4. Speaking of social media profiles, more and more employers are checking them out as part of the qualification process. So take this opportunity to clean yours up. That means untagging unsavory photos, deleting blog posts and taking a close, objective look at the image you’re presenting to the world. While I may find your keg stand and beer bong photos impressive, chances are the HR department at your dream job will not.
5. Have you signed up for LinkedIn? There’s no better time than the present. Create a profile, add your employment history, start networking with friends, old colleagues, supervisors and making new connections. Check out the job listings posted on the site while you’re at it.
6. Contact local employment agencies like Oasis Staffing, The Specialists Group, and Staffmark. A simple Google search will reveal a long list of options. Employment agencies place candidates at temporary and long term temporary positions, and often do direct hiring. Even better? You’re likely to get some free career advice along the way.
7. While you’re spending time at the employment agencies, have them critique your resume. And then take their recommendations and give your resume a face-lift. If you’ve sent more resumes than you can count, feel like you’re completely qualified for the positions, but still aren’t getting interviews, your resume might be the problem. So fix it.
8. Ever been to a job fair? No? Now’s the perfect time to give it a try. Bring lots of copies of your updated resume, dress like you’re going to an interview, and get ready to answer lots and lots of questions. Sometimes employers actually hold on-the-spot interviews, so prepare, prepare, prepare.
9. Volunteer. For free. I know, I know, you’re looking for a J-O-B. One that pays. But while you’re out of work, you might as well use your time to do some good. After spending day upon day on the couch, watching yet another (shocking!) paternity test fallout on Maury, sending out resumes and g-chatting with your employed friends, why not get out of the house? Having a purpose – something to get you going every day – helps with the unemployment blues. As an added bonus, it’s a way to meet people, expand your network, and possibly even stumble upon a paying job.
10. It’s the right time to start looking for seasonal work as the holidays rush toward us like a speeding bus. Some stores have already put up the Christmas trees and lights and all that’s missing is a disheveled group of temporary employees. Before you think your resume makes you too good for sweater folding at the Gap, just remember that it’s a paycheck (and a discount) and that’s nothing to turn up your nose at. Plus, if you’re qualified, it could turn into long term employment.

Have a suggestion that didn’t make the list? Leave a comment and help an unemployed friend (or total stranger) out.

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