We’re almost done with our tutorials, kids, and I hope that my wisdom has helped you expand your options for pursuing libations (and potential lovers). We’ve explored the cougar-laden jungles of the Yuppie Bar (Fox and Hounders, unite!) and the rowdy recesses of the Sports Bar (with excellent timing, if I do say so myself). And now, the pièce de résistance, The Dive Bar.

Do not underestimate these local watering holes. They are safe havens for those desperately in need of a drink, a date, or a discreet hiding place. And for you, they are the place to pursue a variety of activities (or people) that you would not consider in your own neighborhood (or in the light of day).

My personal favorite dive has closed, and it took with it a beautiful game we called “Red-Neck Beer-Drinking Ping-Pong.” Yes, this game was just as fabulous as it sounds. Far from your frat-party beer pong, this was an intricate game of skill involving eye patches, beach balls, and handcuffs. Oh, yes, and shots for the loser of each point. My friends, I tell you, it was a thing of beauty. And this is the attraction of the Dive Bar! You may see businessmen with loosened ties and haggard faces, women with “Summer Teeth” (if you don’t know what these are, ask…), or college students hiding from those who actually check IDs. But the common vein between all of these groups is a general “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” attitude. Anything goes, as long as everything stays.

First, let us discuss dress. Just because you are going to a dive bar, do not assume that you can slum it in your sweatpants. Show a little respect! For both sexes, jeans are ideal. This will say, “I’m just a guy (or gal) in need of a drink.” And this is the attitude that you should project – “I’m in need of a drink.” After all, this is how the dive bar got its start! Shirts may vary – T-shirts, sweatshirts, a terribly wrinkled button-down, all will pass in this establishment. However, if you show up like you just stepped out of an Abercrombie ad, you may attract the unwanted attention of the natives. The key here is to just be one of the crowd.

Next, we will discuss your drinking options. Don’t even consider ordering anything top-shelf here. Chances are, they don’t have a top shelf. Chances are even better that they carry Pabst Blue Ribbon in cans. If you’re lucky, you might get a chilled Mason jar to pour it in. But this is the joy of the Dive! Embrace it! If you turn up your nose at this delicacy, you will automatically out yourself as a person who views the local watering hole as a zoo or an exciting social experiment. Ask for a little tomato juice and man up. Or, as I have mentioned in previous posts, grab a shot and knock it back. You might not find Patron, but after enough rounds, you won’t mind too much.

Now, decorum. Do not assume that just because you are in a dive bar you can act a fool. You still must treat this sanctum with respect. People come here to drink away their sorrows, not watch you make an ass of yourself by playing P. Diddy on the jukebox. You can talk, you can yell, you can cry, you can vomit… You just can’t be “that guy” that looks down upon the activities of everyone else around. Because guess what? You’re one of us now!

Related posts:

1. [drink] How to Fit In At a Yuppie Bar
2. [drink] What to Drink When You’re Not Drinking
3. [eat] Mike’s Wine Dive: The Food
4. [drink] Branch Out to Microbrews
5. [drink] How to Fit In at a Sports Bar