Last week, I delivered a brief tutorial on the fine art of blending in at The Yuppie Bar, and I hope that some of you used this newfound knowledge to go scam a few high-class hotties. However, if the mate you seek is more of the sports-centered type, have no fear. I’m back to give you all of the hints you need to at least look like you belong in a sports bar, when really, you’re just admiring the players’ uniforms. (Tip #1: Don’t outwardly acknowledge that the players’ uniforms are “pretty” or any derivative thereof.)

First, let us discuss dress. Guys, you got off pretty easily last week, and you shall again. Let it be known that any man, from the pretty boy to the lumberjack, can easily pull off the “sports fan” look, as long as they don’t open their mouths. Essential gear includes: t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and a hat. However, there are caveats to each. First, the t-shirt should never be a jersey. Never. If you wear a Sheron Collins jersey to watch a KU game, I will simply make a snide remark about how he is bigger or more attractive on TV, whichever may apply. Wear that to the actual game, guys – that’s allowed. Watching the big screens at Biggin’s? That’s a big no-no.

Jeans are pretty simple. As long as they’re not mom-jeans a la Barack Obama and the infamous “first pitch,” you’ll be fine. Keep it casual, and they won’t get a second look. Shoes are pretty easy too. Any athletic shoes that you could actually do something athletic in will work. Sure, they can be those beautiful Pumas that you would never consider letting grass defile, but as long as they could be used for an activity that requires movement, they will suffice.

And guys, let me fill you in on a little-known secret about hats. It’s called the “White Hat Rule.” Any guy wearing a white hat automatically goes up two points on a scale of 1-10. That means you poor fours will spontaneously become sixes. If you’re an eight? Boom! You’re a 10! I don’t know how or why; I just know it works.

Ladies, you can pretty much follow the same rules. T-shirts, jeans, and sneakers are great. However, there are a few rules I have to make clear, just out of civic responsibility. First, the baby tee is no longer a viable option. Cute, retro, damaged tees are great. In doubt? Go to the DAV or your local Goodwill. Here you will find castoffs that will make any sports fan proud. (I even got a Northwest Basketball team t-shirt, which made me appear that I did something in high school besides eat, drink, and read.)

Jeans, here, are pretty easy too. Anything casual, maybe a boot cut, will work perfectly. But make sure that your tee shirt complements the jeans. The tee and jean combo is not forgiving of the occasional muffin-top. If this is of some concern, behold the hoodie: always forgiving, and finally appropriate. And gals, you’re forgiven a little more on the sneaker front. No longer are heels or boots required, or even appropriate. Instead, a cute little pair of kicks is perfect. And they needn’t be expensive. I’ve found some of the greatest sneaks at Target or Payless – for an even larger selection, see if you can squeeze in to a pair of little boys’ shoes. Cheaper and cuter? Bonus! And ladies, you should know by now whether you can pull off a hat. If you can, rock it. There are very few things hotter than a gal who looks good in a ballcap and knows it.

Drinks really couldn’t be easier. If it comes in a bottle or on draught, you’re set. Not a beer drinker? A drink of the rum-and-coke variety is never frowned upon. I only suggest that you steer clear of anything that comes in a glass with a stem. To me, this screams, “Noob!” or “Cleat chaser!” (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a cleat chaser; you just don’t want to advertise it.) There are many beers that a gal can drink with pride. Woodchuck makes some delicious ale varieties. Branch out. Try something. If all else fails, tough it out and take a shot. I may have been wrong when I said there was nothing hotter than a girl in a ballcap; add a shot and you might have something.

Further suggestions for moonlighting at a sports bar? Suggestions as to where you can try out your newfound lessons? Leave them in the comments! Otherwise, I’ll see you with my belly up to the bar for all of the playoff games!

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3. [drink] How to Fit In at a Dive Bar
4. [wear] Shoes: Rules for Dudes
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