[date] Meeting My Match: Part Deux
A week into my Match.com experiment and I haven’t quite decided whether I like it. On one level, scoping out someone’s profile is kind of like vetting a potential date. On another, chemistry is hard to transfer over the Internet – at least in only a week’s span.
On the plus side, there’s been plenty of interest. This may be attributed to me being a V in a sea of Ps. But I like to think that getting to know me sounds infinitely better than living out the rest of your days with a dozen cats, praying they do you a solid by not devouring your corpse after your heart gives out while watching scrambled porn on Cinemax. Or, you know, something to that effect.
However, I’m finding that there is such a thing as too much interest. I don’t have hours to devote to responding to messages. Sure, it may make me a C-unit, but I’ve developed a little test to screen incoming messages from these e-lotharios:
- Does he know how to use caps lock without abusing it? TYPING LIKE THIS DOES NOT LEAVE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION UNLESS YOU ARE GILBERT GOTTFRIED AND THIS IS JUST HOW YOU TALK IN TEXT FORM.
- Does he offer to send you pictures of his junk? Guys, here’s the thing: Unless you want me to respond with “Awwww! Look at that lil’ guy! He’s so cute… And shy!”, keep the nudie pictures to yourself.
- Does he look like he’d keep you in a pit in his basement? I know, I know, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” But if that book appears to be bound in the skin of the last girl he met on Match, it’s probably not going to be a mutually advantageous pairing.
- Does he make you question whether or not he’s literate enough to write his Rs the right way? I don’t care if it makes me an English Führer, I appreciate a man who knows the difference between their/they’re/there or to/two/too – and won’t write me love letters on a Big Chief tablet.
- Has he already been friend-zoned? There are just some guys who are better left as friends. I know it’s a rough existence for friend-zoned males, but sometimes these things have to be done to maintain order in the universe.
Even with this rigorous screening process, some had potential. Those are the ones who get to experience my crippling awkwardness live and in-person. But that’s probably best left for the next episode…
Have you ventured out into the weird and wild world of online dating? I’d love to hear about it.
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This is truly hilarious! Can’t wait to hear part 3.
SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK (IT’S STUCK) AND THE PICS OF MY JUNK (THEIR AWESOME THOUGH, RIGHT?) AND CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS THANKS BYE
We’re betting that you are NOT going to die alone with cats. Even money is that you’ll hook up with that boy from fourth grade that recently found you on Facebook!
You told me pictures of my junk were ok, as long as I added LOLcat type captions like “I HAZ A SECHSAY FLAVER”.
Yeah I tried online dating, think I said it before but I still get hate emails from one. I just told her I didn’t think it would work out.
I dwell in the Friend Zone so much, I built a bar there for the other hapless males left there. :(
Just a thought, but perhaps you shouldn’t be so quick to count out number 5. Especially since those 5’s rarely posess any of the other four traits. I like how women list off all of the qualities that they are searching for in a mate, but they never give much thought to friendship. Perhaps that’s why they keep ending up with d-bag after d-bag. Cause they are afraid to take a chance with a friend.
As for those of us that are perpetually in the “friend-zone,” I think that most will agree with me when I say, “we’ve got enough friends.” Take a risk.
Only recently attempted to brave the waters of online dating, and so far, I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Sure, it’s no less socially awkward than me attempting to date in the real world, but there’s something comforting about knowing you’re actually interacting with someone in real life, as opposed to using back-and-forth messages to convince them you’re: A) Not an axe murderer; B) Not a total creep; and C) Actually who/what you claim to be.
Haven’t yet had the guts to attempt to take things from cyberspace to the real world, but maybe some day.
It’s disheartening when you find out the gentleman you’ve been e-interacting with is, in fact, a cyborg. That obstacle is nearly insurmountable. Not to mention, complicates the whole choosing sides in a robot revolution thing.
Lying is too easy online.
I love it! Thanks for sharing your experiences – very brave. Can’t wait for part Trois.
[don't] criticize the V-ICT articles or authors or the moderator will filet you.
[don't] write anything using foul language, although the writers do in their articles, or you won’t get your comment posted.
[do] read this article on match.com dating and get a feeling of deja vu … because you’ve read it 100 times before!
@Patrick Batemean (nice alias, btw), the excessive use of foul language will get you moderated. If your comments resemble personal attacks, we will moderate you. If you want to be nasty, there’s a little site called kansas.com that is full of commenters who will welcome you with open arms.
So … if you don’t agree with what the article says, don’t post. Right? Look, princess, tell me with a straight face this article has ONE OUNCE of originality and I’ll back off. You don’t want dissent, you don’t want disagreement, you don’t want opposing opinions but yet you have created an online magazine that seems — and I’ve been reading it from the start — to revel in its counter-culture/urban hipster/anti-establishment status … but when ONE dissenting opinion pops up, you tell me to go to another site. This article is a joke. Men are fools so you can get them to go on a date with a sorta-hot chick because she’s, well, sorta hot, but does that mean you have to pick on them? Objectify them because they’re idiots? Because some poor schmuck wants a girlfriend? That’s humiliating. For the girl and the guy. Shea, what you don’t realize yet is that it is impossible to get back the integrity and the credibility you lost by just green-lighting this heaping pile, which is a tepid rehash of the same thing you wrote about last year. But yeah, make me the bad guy.
Have a great day!
PB
I think so many of us, male and female, married and single, can read this and laugh. We have either walked this path or may still be, heaven forbid! While it’s a common topic, online, around the water cooler, at girl’s night out…the fact is that finding the “right one” is hard. and that is why this subject never gets old. Even those of us who’ve settled down and gotten all smug about it can shudder and say “Been there, did that” and be glad we’re done.
I realize that perhaps others might not view this the same way, but I think Aimee’s series is funny, light-hearted, and just tongue-in-cheek enough to make me want more. I know that given her high standards and refusal to just settle for Mr. Right Now, she’s going to be picky and rightfully so. After all, if she was wanting anything other than a chance at a long term relationship, she’d be at onlinebootycall, not Match.com. So, no, she’s not going to be forgiving of ignorance, rudeness, sloth, or an outright inability to string five words together into a complete sentence. When you are wanting something that’s going to last more than a weekend you start looking for things that will drive you crazy later. Personally, I don’t blame her and I think it’s commendable that at her age she’s willing to overlook the chance for a short-term, instant gratification kind of thing in hopes that she can find someone who really complements her.
I wish her luck. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy. Let’s face it: the men she’s rejecting wouldn’t be happy with her. C’est la vie.
Is onlinebootycall the site you go to? If so, please DM my friend Aziz — he works at the Kwik Shop at 13th & McArthur and he’d love to meet you!
@Patrick Bateman – here’s your final warning before we ban you from commenting. How hard is it to keep it clean and keep it nice? If you don’t like what we post, go elsewhere. It’s unfortunate since the comments you’ve already posted under your real name were constructive, intelligent and added to the community.
Okay, but only because you’re sorta hot, too. It’s just so, so hard to be nice … especially when the other articles are so good and this one is just so … mundane. What’s my real name, BTW? My momma named me Pat imma be Pat til the day I dizz-eye.
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