I implore you to find a person less “cool” than me. I’m a mom. I’m a teacher. I wear slacks and cardigans and argyle socks. But I would be doing myself a disservice if I did not note that under all of my GAP and Banana Republic apparel lies a vodka-seeking chameleon, a former barfly attuned to the necessity of variety in one’s drinking establishments.

There is something to be said for having “your” bar; Norm had Cheers, Ted and Barney have MacLaren’s, and I, in my heyday, had Mulligan’s. You have to have a comfort zone, a bar whose clientele and atmosphere are on par with your own tastes and activities. (Mine, at Mulligan’s, were 2-4-1’s, college baseball players, and military men. Right in my wheelhouse.) But before you become that girl (or guy), let me suggest that you break from your routine and try a new venue. Consider it an exercise in self-exploration; hell, be someone else if you want to. (I always liked playing Blair from Georgia. She was a real peach.) My job here is to help you acclimate to your new surroundings without looking like the poser you really are.

To fit in at a “yuppie bar”, you must first master the attitude. Repeat after me: “I will now grace you with my presence and allow you to serve me top-shelf alcohol. You’re welcome.” This attitude will now carry over to your attire. The key is to try far too hard without looking like you’re trying too hard. Confused? Don’t be.

First, the clothes. Guys, this couldn’t be easier. Snug shirt (if you’re built for that), flat-front pants (not jeans, unless it’s the weekend, and again – you know whether you can rock flat-fronts; if you don’t know, ask), and nice shoes. The shoes may be the key; show up in sneakers or a pair of blue-collar boots and you may not see a server all night. But above all, boys – work the hair. What we’re going for is affectionately known as “sex hair.” It says, “I just rolled out of the sack, and no, I wasn’t alone, and this pomade magically made my hair ruffle in all the right places.” This may take some time to perfect, but don’t be afraid of the wax, fellas. This time, it’s your friend.

Ladies, you have a little more room to improvise. Jeans are perfectly acceptable, as long as they are a) skinny and paired with fabulous heels, or b) long, dark, and boot-cut, and of course, paired with fabulous heels. Notice the emphasis on heels? Write that down. Of course, tailored pants or a non-denim skirt will work, too, but only of the slightly-business-casual variety. If it looks like you painted it on, peel it off and leave it at home.

Next, my lovelies, put the girls on display. With tasteful pants, a low-cut top says, “Look at me! How dare you look at me!” Add some understated jewelry, and you’re in. And the hair? Cake. Tease the hell out of it, ladies. Have a Bump-It? Break it out. If not, grab your hairspray and have some fun. Just remember, we’re channeling Bunny from the country club, not Amy Winehouse; it’s a fine line.

For the final touch, we must discuss the drinks. Bud Light? Don’t think so. Margarita? Never. You can still be a beer guy; just make sure it’s a micro-brew, or at least something that will come with a little slice of fruit on the side. (Straight guys, this is the time to embrace the fruity drink – take advantage.) Ladies, if it comes in a martini glass, you’re good to go. If you’re a wine girl, even better! When, at a later date, we discuss how to fit in at a sports bar, I catch you ordering a glass of wine, I’ll have some of my softball-playing friends kick your ass. But for now? Drink up. The stuff yuppie bars carry doesn’t even come in a box!

I do hope I have helped to expand your pub-related horizons. Have any further tips? Leave them in the comments. Check back soon for more of my unending wisdom when we discuss The Sports Bar: Not Just for (Ball) Games Anymore.

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