I don’t envy the unemployed – it’s tough out there.  If you want a job in this market, you’ve got to give blood, sweat, and tears.  Or at least put in some hard work.  Looking for a job IS a job, and you have to treat it like that.

Now, I’m no expert, but I have helpful advice for people in the job market.  My number one piece of advice for job seekers:  Don’t be a dumbass. That simple.  Yeah, I know it’s hard for some of you.  Even impossible for a few.  But if you want a job, you should work really, really, REALLY hard at not being a dumbass.  It also helps if you are not any other type of ass (i.e. jackass, smartass, you get the picture).

To not be a dumbass often involves what is evidently uncommon sense. For years, people have mistakenly referred to this as “common sense,” but I contest the commonality of this sense.  I, for example, would apply for a job and prepare for an interview by creating an up-to-date and edited résumé, researching the job, dressing nicely, being early, and acting sweet as sugar to every person I meet at the prospective job site.  This, to me, seems like it would be common sense. But, oh my, the empirical evidence points in other directions.  For those of you who are not blessed with uncommon sense, let me demonstrate how you can take steps towards not being a dumbass by examining some basic job searching essentials and strategies.

Your momma may have told you it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but that may have just been her nice way of calling you ugly.  The “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” policy is out the window when you’re job seeking. The first impression counts.  And the very first impression happens before you even walk in the door for an interview. Your résumé needs to be up-to-date and tidy and applications should be legible, with your writing more closely resembling the English language than chicken scratch.  (Advice: If nothing else, RUN A FREAKIN’ SPELL-CHECK! If you really want to up your game and you have already identified yourself as a dumbass- and I’m proud of you for not living a life of denial- have somebody who is not a dumbass assist you in making or editing your résumé.)

A résumé is your opportunity to get your foot in the door. It’s not simply presenting your work history.  You are going to supply that on your application. (And YES, you DO have to fill out their application, even if you gave them a résumé.) Your résumé is where you show your skills and achievements that make you a desirable employee. This is not a time to be modest or shy. Do not sell yourself short. You are competing for this position. You have to show what makes you the best candidate for this position. I don’t care if you were homecoming king. Are you trying to tell me you peaked in high school? If you won a drafting competition in 1974 and haven’t done anything with drafting since, it’s not relevant. However, if you designed and implemented a system that increased revenue and decreased costs at your last job, employers want to know about that. If you saw a need for a comprehensive training program and headed a team to create one, potential employers will see you as a catch. These things need to be shown.  Achievements and changes you implemented are important to highlight. But (dumbasses, pay close attention here) DO NOT lie. It will catch up to you.

If you’ve been successful at creating a résumé that demonstrates you are not a dumbass, potential employers will want to contact you.  Don’t screw up here.  Please, tell me you didn’t screw up here.  If your email address is hotsexypornstarmom69XXX@hotforyou.com, for the love of god do not put that on your résumé.  Whatever you do on your own time is your business, but that is not very, ummm…how should I put this for you dumbasses…professional!  Create an email account strictly for job searching if you have an email address that is not appropriate.  Be careful.  Some things you think are cute or unique may turn a potential employer off.  4littleprincessesmom@proudparent.com may be cute, but it may leave employers wondering if you’ll be able to balance your family and professional life. Worldtraveler@getmetheheckouttahere.com may make employers wonder if you’re committed to sticking around to help their company grow.  Just keep it professional.  Don’t give any reason to disqualify yourself before you’ve even landed an interview.

Employers are likely to call.  Check your voicemail message.  When they call your phone, potential employers do not want to hear music that could be played in the background of a Maury paternity test scene.  That baby may not look like you, but your next boss doesn’t need to know about that. They also don’t care to know that if you didn’t answer, you’re probably “watching TV or drinking at the bar with your buddies.”  Keep it simple. “Hello, you’ve reached [insert your name, dumbass].  I’m not available right now.  Please leave a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible.”  Yeah, that’s it.  No glitz or glam.  Just get to the point.  These people don’t have all day, and they likely don’t care much about why you didn’t answer the phone.

When you put something on the internet, it is out there.  So, yes, in my future I may have to justify calling people dumbasses constantly.  But what I want to tell dumbasses here is in regards to social networking sites.  Set them to private or clean them up.  Your potential employer may be looking on these and may be making personality judgments about you based on these sites.  If your profile photo is of you doing a keg stand or in a sexy nurse Halloween costume, you’re not exactly putting out a professional image.  If your “About Me” says something like “You’ll find me every Tuesday night getting drunk off my ass and dancing on a bar at my favorite hangout,” that employer doesn’t think you’re going to be able to give 100 percent on Wednesday mornings.  Make sure content is appropriate for potential employers or set limits on who can see your content.

Once you’ve landed an interview, you actually have to worry about real-life you. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do not roll out of bed and go looking for jobs in your pajamas. People do judge you based on your appearance. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to take yourself seriously. Comb your hair. For God’s sake, brush your teeth. What you wear is important. You should dress appropriately for your interview. In most cases, this means dressing better than you would day to day in that position. When in doubt, overdressing is better than underdressing. You may be able to pull off jeans and a polo for a warehouse or labor job interview, but most of the time you’re going to have to pull out the nice slacks, collared shirts, skirts, and blouses, and maybe even an iron. This is the potential employer’s first impression of you in person. Put your best foot forward.

Dumbasses, a job is not likely to fall into your lap.  You’ve got to do the legwork.  That means you should use all resources you have at your disposal.  Networking is a great way to get a job and get job leads.  Make sure you’re asking your friends and family about opportunities they know about.  Search different Internet sites.  Different employers post to different sites.  Make sure you’re exploring as many options as possible.  Take the highlighter to the job postings in the Sunday paper.  Get out and look for the “help wanted” signs.  Stop by places you’re interested in working at and talk to somebody about employment opportunities, drop off your résumé, and fill out an application.  Open the phonebook and find the businesses in your career field.  Mail in a cover letter and your résumé.  Not all job openings are posted.  Get your name out there.

Hopefully, you are not a dumbass.  Hopefully, you’re looking at these tips thinking, “Well, I thought that was common sense.”  Uncommon sense, my friend.  Happy job hunting.

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