[shop] Don’t Be a Dumbass on Black Friday
Black Friday scares the crap out of me. I avoid shopping on this day at all costs. My sister, however, is a bargain hunter. The girl pillages clearance racks like nobody’s business. Over the years, she has started to rub off on me a little. I rarely buy anything that isn’t on sale. But I’m not an expert money saver/coupon clipper/bargain shopper like she is. And for a girl like my sister, Black Friday is a climactic moment of incomparable money-saving potential. And people like her scare me.
I let my sister convince me to go shopping with her on Black Friday once. It was a miserable experience. First, I was awake at 4:00 AM. The only reason I should be awake at 4:00 AM is if I have not finished partying from the night before. 4:00 AM is not in my waking-up-time vocabulary. This girl is not a morning person. We shopped for several hours, and the best bargain I got was a gift I bought for a relative who is a person I probably wouldn’t even had bought a gift for had I not gotten a good deal on this particular item. So, really, I think that did not save, but in fact cost me money. But the worst part of all, of course, was the people. Wal-Mart can be scary enough on a Wednesday afternoon, but this is like purgatory has busted loose to let the tortured souls paying penance have a day to reenact all of their earthly sins. People, you’re like rabid beasts.
Last year, going through my first holidays without the former significant other, I was dealing with things with healthy pastimes and coping mechanisms such as alcohol and binge eating. At Thanksgiving dinner, I agreed to go shopping with my sister on Black Friday. I started to flash back to the Black Friday shopping incident a few years prior and imagined the hell that it was. Then I went to a bar. Then I closed down that bar. (Hello, Thursday = Jerry’s 2-4-1s.) Then I went to sleep happy and drunk. When my sister called a few brief hours later, I attempted to get up. Then I realized I was still drunk. So I called back and bailed.
Unfortunately, I will be shopping this Black Friday. I have a couple of big-ticket items to buy, and I know this is likely the best opportunity I have to get the biggest bang for my buck. I am already dreading it. The problem is I have noticed a trend about the general public: they are dumbasses. I’m not talking on an individual basis. I can get along with just about anyone face to face. But as a generalization regarding people and their behaviors, there are a lot of dumbasses in this world. And a lot of them congregate at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, trust me. Sure, I can be a dumbass at times, but I like to think those instances are few and far between (although some friends/family reading this might be laughing out loud right now. Stop it; this is not a part where I am trying to be funny). In most situations, there are actions one can take to avoid being a dumbass. Please continue reading and consider ways to avoid being a dumbass while shopping on Black Friday.
- Do not go shopping while drunk. This might be my personal biggest obstacle in avoiding being a dumbass this Black Friday. Jerry’s 2-4-1s just call my name on Thursday nights. I have a tendency to burst out into Journey songs and drop it like it’s hot when intoxicated. This would certainly lead to me looking like a dumbass. I am also not a coordinated person. Alcohol does not aid this shortcoming of mine. I would likely fall into/knock over displays or expensive sale items. This would be a dumbass move. Avoid mass alcohol consumption at least 12 hours before Black Friday shopping, as you are likely to be a dumbass while intoxicated as well.
- Prepare. Read the ads. Make a game plan. If you haven’t looked at the ads yet, you are behind. Soccer moms are morphing into rabid beasts as we speak. They will attack if you get between them and their target bargain. Make a list of the top priority items you’re trying to get deals on. Black Friday is not a day for amateurs or window shoppers. These people are hard-core. They will knock down little old ladies to save 10% on an electric mixer. You need to know where you’re headed. Don’t count on your memory. Make a list and a plan and stick to it. You don’t want to be that dumbass wandering through aisles trying to remember what that “other thing” you needed to get was. Take the ads with you and clearly mark the items you’re seeking. Many stores price match. This can save you trips to multiple stores as well.
- Remember we are in America. We drive on the right side. Keep your freakin’ cart going the right freakin’ way in the freakin’ aisle. And don’t stand there like you’re sightseeing at the Grand Canyon. If you are standing around looking clueless, you are likely to get attacked by a rabid soccer mom. And truth be told, you kind of deserve it; you’re being a dumbass (you didn’t read the ads, now, did you?). If at all possible, avoid using a shopping cart altogether. You’ll be able to maneuver through the crowds and really get to your priority items.
- Take a buddy. But choose wisely. You will be spending a lot of time with this person and will be performing Top Gun-style stealth maneuvers. I do not recommend the significant other. You are setting yourself up for bickering and breakups (and you just saved $18 getting that jerk his stupid video game he’s been talking about nonstop). Don’t set yourself up for holiday heartbreak. Choose someone you tend to have a longer fuse with. A good friend with a sense of humor or a scary, nearly rabid, bargain-hunter sister are good choices. You can tag team on sale items and one of you can push the cart while the other darts down aisles. This gives you speed and capacity advantages. It will also allow you to multitask, as one of you can stand in line as the other darts in for a bathroom break. And if you start to pull a dumbass move, you’ve got somebody to help keep you in check.
- Don’t fall victim to the hype. Or the rabid soccer moms. Remember that an assault and battery charge is not worth it. Do not push down little old ladies just to save $4.67 on a Snuggie, dumbass. There will be another sale some other time. It may not be as big of a bargain, but if you’re not willing to pay the extra $4.67, maybe you don’t really need it anyway.
- Double tap. As we all learned in the informative box office hit Zombieland, this is a rule to live by. If you are in fact attacked by a rabid soccer mom, this rule applies just as it does to zombies. And if confronted by a zombie (hey, anything’s possible at Wal-Mart on Black Friday), don’t hesitate. Although you should verify that it is in fact a zombie or rabid soccer mom and not just a dumbass before bustin’ a cap in that ass. I’m joking. Didn’t you read the previous tip? You do not want to be locked in a cell on Black Friday with rabid soccer moms. Avoid violence.
- Leave the kids at home. If I need to explain this to you, you’re a dumbass and you will likely not avoid being a dumbass no matter what advice I give you. Older kids may be acceptable if they know how to not be a dumbass, but if you think bringing your toddler to a department store when the doors open on Black Friday is a good idea, I will only pray that dumbassery is not genetic in hopes that you did not pass it on to the child.
- Do not yell at the cashier and be prepared to wait. There will be long lines no matter how many workers the store has on hand. Believe it or not, that cashier can think of at least a dozen other places they would rather be than ringing up your crap on Black Friday. They are likely doing the best they can, and they don’t get paid enough to be tempted to have much patience for you being a dumbass. Something might ring up wrong. It is not that cashier’s fault. And you being a jerk isn’t going to help get a manager there quicker to resolve the problem. They may accidentally give you incorrect change. The cashier is sleep-deprived and performing a monotonous task. Make sure you get your sale price and the correct change. If you didn’t, it’s likely a mistake. So don’t make a scene.
- Protect your identity. Unfortunately, there are people out there looking to take advantage of you. Clean out your purse/wallet and have the bare minimum. You should NEVER have items containing your Social Security number in your wallet or purse. Take out any nonessentials. Only take credit cards you will use. Take a check or two instead of the whole checkbook. Leave the big bag at home and bring a small bag that you can keep close.
- Lock your car doors. Really. I shouldn’t have to say this, but some of you really are dumbasses. Also, do not leave your items in clear view. Put your purchases in trunks or under seats. If you’re trying to make multiple big-ticket purchases or go to multiple stores, have that honey you left at home (so you didn’t end up in a public display of domestic dumbass disagreement) meet you in the parking lot for a pickup.
I’m not looking forward to shopping with you dumbasses on Friday. Hopefully you’ve taken some of this advice to heart, and I have one less dumbass in the crowd to help me fend off rabid, bargain-hunting soccer moms. But if you’re really not a dumbass, you won’t go. You’ll stay in bed. You won’t risk life and limb in the wilds of the department stores to save a buck. This, my friend, is where I would like to be. You are wise. And you have eliminated the possibility of being a “Black Friday Dumbass.”
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That could quite possibly the most references to “dumbasses” I’ve seen since the last marathon of “That 70s Show” on FX. I myself use a slightly adjusted tactic. While I also utilize Thursday night for extreme binge drinking happiness (what other options are there after a full day of family togetherness), I choose to double-lock all doors and board up all windows. It is the cowards way out, but like any good zombie movie, it is those who barricade themselves and prepare defensive postures that ultimately survive to fight another day.
Best piece on Black Friday I have ever read. Asociated Press needs to pick this up and send it world wide. :)
Might I suggest walkie-talkies to share with your tribe, uh, I mean, group of people going with you? Cell phones sometimes don’t get reception in stores (see Wal-Mart on West Kellogg).
I agree with having a plan. If possible, visit the store today to see where things are located so you can plan your entry to be effecient and direct.
Wear comfortable shoes and be prepared for people to shove you. Don’t trample anyone but be fast enough to avoid getting trampled.
Black Friday is a right of passage in my family. When women are old enough (college-aged), we pump them full of promise for great deals and tremendous fun and then, when they are breathing in the stink of 1.6 million people shoved into an entryway at Target, we laugh.
I will put down the bottle, eat leftovers, and take a cold shower before I go out to push down children, elderly people and store associates known as “Blockers”. I may be a dumbass but I will smell like musk when I am carrying out my rainbow assortment of discount Snuggies.
That Guy
Best..article..ever! Really. It put me in the holiday spirit. What am I thankful for on Thanksgiving? 1. That I’ve never had to work behind a counter on Black Friday and 2. that I will be sitting at home on Friday watching Christmas Vacation, rabid soccer moms secured outside my locked door. I usually try to make sure that I won’t even have to run to Walgreen’s or Dillon’s for little crap since the general spirit in the air is “Get the *#@* out of my way!” If we run out of toilet paper on Friday..too bad. We have Kleenex and newspaper somewhere around here.
Seriously…I was laughing out loud at this article. :-)
I’d love to hear how it went!
Andrea, love the bit about pumping promises and laughing at disappointment! ;-)
All in all, it was a horrific experience as I expected, but I made it out with a laptop and most of my dignity intact. I broke a few of my own rules and only yelled at one person. I don’t think she even heard me, so I don’t think that counts.
Alarm went off at 3AM- I grumbled.
My sister sent me a text- “Are you up?”
My response- “Kind of.”
And I was sober. Rule 1- Check
My sister, of course, had already been shopping at Toys R Us when they opened at midnight. She reported that she had been waiting in line an hour, and would likely be waiting there another hour. I nearly threw in the towel, folks. I didn’t know if I could survive without the guidance of my shopping addict sister. But I was brave. I laced up my tennis shoes and double knotted, in case I had to run from rabid soccer moms.
The boyfriend did not like the idea of me braving rabid soccer moms alone, so he decided to tag along. That’s right- broke my own rule. But I needed somebody to push down in case of a rabid soccer mom attack so I could run for it.
My sister called before I even get to the store. She was on her way. Yes, my bargain-hunting-crazed sister found a way out of the Toys R Us line. She found a place where they “only ring up electronics” (wink, wink). So she was out like a flash. I’m tellin’ ya, the girl’s got skills.
My laptop had its very own line that ran down a side aisle and they handed out paper vouchers. Whew, what a relief, I didn’t have to fight for it. I could see the crowds around the items in the center aisle, like vultures scavenging for carcasses. When the intercom announced it was 5:00, all hell broke loose. Screeching rubber soles on the floor, shuffling of boxes, grunts, moans, cries for help….okay, I’m exaggerating. But I was safe in my side aisle with my voucher. However, they were not quite prepared. At 5:00, they were just bringing the laptops in. Then we waited to pay for our laptops one by one. I was #32 out of about 40. I finally get up to only 2 people in front of me, and they decide they will let us take it to the front to pay if we want. Are you kidding? You made me wait for 40 minutes then changed your mind? Is this a trick? Are you trying to make me soccer mom bait? I’m just going to pay for it.
By the time I have the laptop paid for, my sister has an overflowing shopping cart. Of course. I expected nothing less. We raid the $2 movies. This is where a girl knocks about 5 movies on the ground, makes an “oops, did I do that?” face, and walks away. Dumbass. This annoys me. “I’m not your mom, pick up after yourself,” I yell. But I don’t think she heard.
I tried to hang with my sister, but she’s got endurance I have yet to build. I picked up a few other items, but I was out of there ASAP. Then I went to sleep, happy with my triumph over rabid soccer moms.
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